He Who Talks First Loses

Public speakers and negotiators have a similar need—both should be comfortable with periods of silence. The speaker increases impact with a brief pause, while the negotiator shuts up to see if the other party will commit first. When negotiating, he who talks first loses. 

Why do we negotiate? Because we want something we can't get without someone else's agreement. Although we sometimes feel like we want to say "take it or leave it," we play the negotiating game, hoping to more amicably fulfill our need. 

We often negotiate with people with whom we will develop an ongoing business relationship. That amplifies the negatives of trying to back someone into a corner, forcing them to come out with egg on their face. 

Theoretically, everything is negotiable—price, warranty, interest rate, transaction fees, payment terms, etc. An effective negotiator begins with a prioritized need list and never loses sight of those priorities. He knows going in he won't get everything he wants, so setting priorities is important. 

We frequently picture negotiation as two or more people with gritted teeth, locked in a room, staring across a table with bloodshot eyes. That's pure fantasy. Successful negotiations are conducted in a non-adversary, non-hostile environment. Effective negotiation isn't just taking. It's giving and taking. There's no need to negotiate with someone who will give you everything you want, so don't plan on coming away with it 100 percent your way. 

By definition, effective negotiation is a process that lets both parties get what's most important to them. The desired outcome of a negotiation is when each can honestly say, "I got what was most important to me, and I think the other folks did, too." Both parties need to call it a win, and unless each has the same top priority, it's possible both will succeed. 

Here are some rules for effective negotiation: 

1. He who talks first loses. The emphasis is on listening, waiting for the other party to commit first. 
2. Always know your priorities. You will have to give. Know going in where you will, and where you don't want to. 
3. Be deliberate but not unbending. There is a time to win and a time to let go. 
4. Find a way for all parties to win. There should be something good in the outcome for everyone. 
5. Agree on an agenda. Like all business meetings, participants will benefit from agreeing to a general format before beginning discussions. 
6. Offer ideas for settlement. Remain true to your priorities but don't be afraid to keep options open that are acceptable to you. 
7. Always be decent. The cost of a negotiation turning ugly can be high. A lawsuit, or having the other party walk away from an opportunity you really wanted, can be expensive. Settle it if you possibly can. Avoid going home without an agreement. 
8. By all means, put the agreement in writing. No need to be legalistic. Just a straightforward memo, properly signed and dated, is adequate. 

Negotiating is an art worthy of frequent use. As discussed in the last chapter, we too often move to the courtroom to settle disputes people could solve by talking it out. Anything we can do to enhance the role of negotiating in our litigious society creates a winning opportunity for everyone.